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When …
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When you love her
know it,
if you know you love her
express it.

When she cocoons your heart
show her how special she is,
recognize and show the passion
that consumes your world.

When you love her with all you are
prove to her what she means to you,
do it every day
strive every moment to let her feel it.

When she tells you to ease up
show her honor and respect,
but never stop
expressing your love.

When she needs you to be strong
always stand for her,
knowing she will and does…
for you too.

When she has difficult times
be the rock she knows,
one she can always depend on
when no one else is there.

When you argue or fight
promise one another,
no matter how bad it may be
you’ll always show up tomorrow.

When she’s in tears
appreciate the importance,
the sheer power of saying simply
I’m sorry and I love you.

When she wants fun & excitement
give her laughter,
give her a night out on the town
make her smile all night long.

When she is threatened
rise up in fury,
protect her with your life
make her feel safe – always.

When she needs comfort
hold her closely in your arms,
be it night or day
make her feel warm and protected.

When the chips are down
rally around your cause with her,
be an unbreakable team
you can get through anything as one.

When life is easy if ever
never allow for complacency,
treat every moment together
as the precious present.

When life is hard
circle the wagons together,
seek comfort in each others’ arms
find strength in the love you share.

When thinking of tomorrow
hope for eternity with her,
but know there are no guarantees
of a lifetime of happiness.

When fear of losing her
rears it’s ugly head,
know it’s possible
and cherish what you have.

When she’s gone
either by choice or by nature,
know you did your very best
to love her more than anyone…

Forever.

Of days gone bye. Things she used to say to me, captured in a great vase and tiny individually wrapped envelopes. She gave it to me on my birthday 2008 ( got nothing for 2009 but it’s ok, cuz I know she didn’t have any cash then). Started looking at them again today…  The idea is you open up a tiny envelope every day for a new inspiration from a loved one. A couple of the comments that I copied here.  Decided this is my blog and if I’m going to write about the only woman that has truly ever captured my heart and soul, it shall be here and by me.

* I love it when you hold me in your arms.

* Thank you for believing in me.

…I just miss her a lot. And she’s not coming back.

wow …. where to start?

My fiance left me……  my heart is shattered. I do have other prospects though. Still it doesn’t take away the fact that she destroyed me.

She was my whole world.  But that’s gone now. I haven’t touched her since February but I can still smell her. I miss her so much. But it’s time to let her go now.

Mason is laying under the cover hehe… he’s oblivious to problems. I wish I could be that way too.

I hope Dani will come back online today.

I miss her. … much left to be said I know. I do know that I still love her. x

What am I to do? How about pay more attention to the woman that I love more than life? For over 2 years now? This is such foreign territory for me .. what am I to do for real?

… what  I’m supposed to do. The love of my life has found a new freedom, and I’m happy she’s having fun, she needs that. But I’m feeling left alone frankly.  Perhaps it will dissipate in time, perhaps she’ll just let it go in time. But I doubt it. I hope she just continues to choose me. To want to be with me. That she enjoys talking with me more than anyone else. But I doubt it.   My heart hurts just now. But we’ll get through it as always. I just have to not be a whiney bitch and do all I can to hold it all together. I love her. I love her. I love her.

Wow. Just saw in the past few days,  that he is my 4th great grandfather (1735 – 1826). Follows my mother’s maiden name. My uncle – my mother’s only brother among 5 sisters, has done 15 years of geneology … he produced absolute proof. He went all the way back into the 1400s in Ireland. Documents included. Beyond my wildest beliefs.

Can’t get my head around it yet but, … fucking WOW. One of the signers of the Declaration of Independence.  A revolutionist in 1765, after the Stamp Act. A patriot. A vital member of the Continental Congress – he helped draft the Constitution.  A Founding Father of the United States of America.  The 1st vice president of the US with George Washinton for two terms. The 2nd president of the US himself. It blows my mind … always will.

I couldn’t be more proud of my heritage. I hope I can move more toward living up to it as I grow older.

… angry. OR …

… NOT angry? Not sure, cuz I am.  I’ve made my mistakes. I’ve done my time. Yet I can’t get a job ANYWHERE.  I’m stuck for now with a Scarlet Letter.  Thankfully I can do tech work independently. I’d challenge all of you to do independent work. Imagine not having a regular paycheck you can count on getting on time.

Not that there isn’t enough work to be done in my field. Just good luck collecting. Somehow I’ve/We’ve made it this far. She’s still waiting on her Visa to come to the US… probably 2 months out still. It’s been really hard, yet we STILL talk non-stop;  for many hours every day. We’ve been together 2 years now.

She’s more my world today than she ever has been. I pledge my life to her. To make her as happy as I possibly can. She’s everything to me.

Ok so … it’s been ages right? I was very near deleting this blog never again to revisit blogging. The reasons are very old and frankly … it matters not. But I want to write. I love to write …  when I’m compelled that is.

So a few days ago, I’m walking down the street with Mason, our (as of this writing) 10 month old American Pitbull Terrier. He’s amazing. He’s soooo not aggressive. But yeah he’s still a puppy so he gets excited at times. So we discipline him appropriately.  That said, I had him on a walk a few days back … and there was a man sat on the sidewalk – literally Indian style on the pavement – at a bus station.

I angled out a bit so Mason was at least 4 feet from him. I had him tightly leashed, but not tensely.

The man says to me…. “get that dog away  from me. I hate dumbass dogs!”

I stopped .. and Mason sat down, looking at him, then at me, unsure of the situation. I said to the guy “I hate dumbass people… like you”

He said “Fuck you.”

I  said “if you want some,  bring it!”

He sat there  as people around were like wow … a few said to me … don’t worry about it he’s obviously just nuts.

I mean what was his purpose? What was he trying to say other than filth? Clearly he was disturbed.  Thing is, I don’t play well with people that pop off like that. And Mason, who was growling at him after his outburst, surely doesn’t play either. He sensed this person was a real threat and made known his warning to him clear.  Was the first time I’ve had such an experience because of Mason.  Every time I take him out in daytime, he’s complimented. So yeah it was a crap moment

Then, three minutes later, three men passed us on the sidewalk and said a collective “wow he’s beautiful!”

Nice to write again. So much to write about. I hope to catch up soon.

Ok, I planned to detail the rest of the story but I’ve been dealing with a lot lately in working and preparing for my fiance’s return in a few weeks. That said, I’m gonna give the Readers Digest version of the conclusion.

So I kept Kojak for a few days, feeding him, caring for him, walking him and noting how gentle and loving he was. Quite simply, he was phenomenal. I fell in love with him quite literally overnight. He was not only gentle and loving with me and with those he encountered on the street, but also with our cats; including our little 3 month old kitten, Rocky. Ahh, the fearless Rocky. He should have run under the bed and hid the same as Miss Toonces (the big black ball of fiery fur that’s scared of everyone but me). But Rocky is not that smart. Three month old kitten, meet the 2 year old Pitbull . The got on, as my dear darlin says, like a house on fire. Kojak was as gentle and playful as I could ever have imagined. It was an amazing sight to see.

A few days later reluctantly I found Kojak a new home because I couldn’t keep him here thanks to my landlord – who in hearing the story of him, clearly would rather have had him set out as a stray, or kicked us all out rather than letting him stay.

Bottom line is he’s with a great family now, with full run of the house, and a big back yard to run around to his heart’s content in. They love him. He’s happy. I know because they brought him by to see me about 10 days ago. He looked spectacular. He clearly remembered me and was all over me xD. We sat and talked, all of us, for a half hour. No doubt, he had found a happy family that will love him until the end of his days. And they had found an amazing animal, that, despite the media biases, will love and protect them as long as he’s alive. Mind you, they have a 2 year old granddaughter, with whom he’s as gentle and loving as he was with our Rocky.

I’m so happy I took the risk to rescue him. I’m happy for him, his new adoptive family and frankly for me too. I’ll never forget the love he showed me, the love I showed him, nor the attitudes he will forever change.

So last Sunday I was walking down the street, just a couple of blocks from home headed to grab a quick bite to eat when I saw this dog about 50 yards away. He was being walked by a non-descript guy, but all I could focus on was the brindle & white color. So I shouted: “Nice dog.”

Little did I know what I was getting into. And that’s my understatement of the year.

The guy that was walking him replied to me, “You want him?”

I was like wtf right? I mean who would say that? And what was up with the situation? I didn’t say anything, just turned angle and began walking toward them. The guy turned and began coming my way with the beautiful animal trotting willingly.

So the guy begins telling me that he’s going to be picked up by the pound tomorrow unless he can find someone to take him.  Frankly he started by feeding me his line of bullshit: about how his friend asked him to keep him for a bit while he went to Florida and how that was a year and a half ago, blah blah blah.  I knew he was full of it but just went along.

“What’s his breed,” I said.

“Pitbull.”

Other smalltalk was made as I was looking at the dog & inspecting him. He was incredibly friendly, licking my face and wagging his tail vigorously, like he hadn’t had any real attention in ages. He had a hole in his right ear. Yes, a hole… like one that would be produced by another dog’s tooth. It was fully healed, but there still, a peephole right through it into his life – both literally and figuratively it seemed.

He was a big dog, but was clearly malnurished – ribs showing and all. His head was massive. I mean, I’d never seen a pitbull up close and personal before. His eyes were … well, it seemed just happy to see me .. or anyone else that was interested in him maybe.

He had cuts on his legs that were healing, scratches and even what was likely a healing bite mark on his left back.  He was infested with fleas. His claws were very long, probably never having been clipped. His teeth were yellowed. He had a leash but no collar. The leash was one that was supposed to be clipped onto a collar but it was just wrapped around and clipped to the leash itself. His face was beautiful and kind, seemingly just wanting someone to love and care for him properly.

I was smitten. Especially considering this guy had allegedly had him 18 months but rather than using an adoption agency which costs him nothing (other than him having to keep him until he was adopted) was opting to send him to the pound.

Keep in mind I live in a comfortable but not large home. My fiance by the way is back in Scotland until mid-November so I was kind of on my own on this one. After a lot of thought and getting from a small to a large gut feeling, I said I’d take him.

And just like that, off I went with the dog (which we renamed Kojak incidentally – he didn’t respond to the name the guy told me he was called anyway and even if he did I figured best not to use it regardless). The guy never said a word to me or more importantly, to Kojak. Not a goodbye, not a hug, not a “good boy,” not a pat on the head, not a poke in the eye, not a kick in the ass… NOTHING. That told me I was doing what was right immediately.

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Part 2 coming soon.